I’ve Got a Lesbian Magazine in My Basket

This is from January 2008, as I was beginning to maneuver through my own coming out process. I cringe at how scared I was, but am so glad I wrote it. If you yourself are going through the coming out process, my heart goes out to you! In my experience though, with time all of this does become easier:)

I was at the grocery store and in the bottom of my basket were a couple of newspapers and magazines: LA Weekly, Lesbian News and a smattering of other trades. While at the check-out, the cute male cashier and I had been making small-flirty-talk for a few minutes when he reached the bottom of my basket and, somewhat incredulously, asked if the mags were mine. I quickly responded “Yes!” to ensure that he wouldn’t throw them away, but then my insides responded, “No! Shit no! The lesbian magazine! I don’t want him to see that!” I could see the guy reading the title of the mags and watched his entire demeanor shift. I also gave myself an internal reprimand, “What the hell difference does it make if he sees them? They’re yours. Why would you be so paranoid about this guy, someone you didn’t even know until two minutes ago, seeing them? If you can’t let a stranger know you a little how the hell can you let those closer to you know you at all???” Then I noticed the once jovial attitude of the cashier turn into one of slight fear and removal as if to say, “Oh shit, I was totally barking up the wrong tree. She’s a LESBIAN! Wouldn’t be interested in my flirty jokes. How stupid am I?”

Apparently we both needed to chill.

I wanted to tell him that I thought he was a hottie and that his first senses were on target…but then he started calling me “Miss.” What?? Miss?!?! What happened to our sly-smiled repartee? Now I’m this to-be-feared and separate woman? I wanted to run around screaming at the top of my lungs “WHAT IS THIS???!!!” But no, I take my bag of groceries, my LA Weekly and my lesbian mag and leave, laughing at the absurdity. How loud our silent conversations.